Friendships always came easily to me and when I think about my parents, I realise why.
My mum was extremely outgoing, the life of the party. She went out quite often and seemed to have friends everywhere. My dad, on the other hand, could stay home with food and a TV for 40 days without stepping out and be absolutely fine. Somehow, I carry traits from both of them and I think that balance made it easy for me to get along with different kinds of people.
As a child, I went to different primary schools, and in each one, I always had a best friend. It almost felt like a superpower. But even though I had good friends all the way into adulthood, I later realised that something was missing.
I was not paying attention to myself.
I did not really know who I was, what I valued, or who I wanted to become. I was simply going with the flow. In friendships and in life.
And it was not until much later that I began to understand just how much friendships actually shape one’s life.
There is family, and then, there are friends. Both influence us significantly. And yet, no one taught us how to be intentional about friendships.
For many girls, friendship is where self-esteem can be tested the most.
It is where we notice how people treat us versus how they treat others. It is when we start to ask ourselves some questions:
Do they like me? Do I belong? Am I cool?
And without even realising it, we subconsciously start to change. We talk less. We agree more. We laugh when it is not even that funny. And on the outside, it looks like we are fitting in.
In my case, deep down, I felt like I was not good enough and until more recently in my life, I do not remember being truly confident. I convinced myself that I preferred being in the background, but the truth was, I was afraid. I was scared of being seen, being exposed. So what did I do? I hid.
But friendship was never meant to help us hide.
Looking back, I knew how to be with people, but I did not always know how to be with myself and because of that, I overlooked things, in others and in me.
This is why I always say:
Friendship is not only about other people.
It is about you.
Me. You. Us.
Me – Who am I?
Knowing who we are is not always as simple as it sounds. It requires paying attention and asking ourselves questions.
What are our likes, dislikes, personality, quirks, values?
When we do not answer these questions, our friendships will answer them for us. We start to become different people in different situations and we end up going wherever life takes us.
Self-awareness on the other hand, gives us the opportunity to make better choices for ourselves and from that place, we can begin to build a life intentionally.
You – Who do I need?
Just because someone is around us does not mean they need to be our friends.
Close friends should not be based on proximity or boredom. It should not even be because someone chose us first.
It requires us to ask some more questions: Do we have similar values? Do I feel safe being myself? Are they growing?
Although it is easy to ignore little things at first, when someone shows you who they are, even casually, please pay attention.
You need to choose based on character and values because more than you realise, the people closest to you will affect your thinking, your behaviour, and who you become, so choose well. It is not pride, it is wisdom.
Us – Where are we?
People change. Friendships change. Life happens.
One minute, you are in the same class, sharing food. The next minute, everything looks different.
Sometimes, without any argument, you realise you are no longer on the same page with them anymore. The problem could even be you.
When this change begins to happen, you have to be willing to do the hard things – have uncomfortable conversations with yourself or with them, apologise when you are wrong, talk about things that bother you and sometimes, let some friends go.
The goal is not to have many friends.
The goal is to have the right ones.
The ones that allow you to be yourself.
The ones that do not need you to stay small.
The ones that support who you are growing into, not who you used to be.
If you are trying to make sense of your friendships, at any age, you are not alone.
It can feel confusing and it can even feel like something is wrong with you.
But a lot of times, it is not that something is wrong.
It is that you are growing.
So, don’t rush the process. Take your time.
And be honest about where you are.
Because at the end of the day,
your friends will not just help you get through life,
they will determine who you will be.
With love,
Deoti | Fola Keona | A Place You Find Light